The Price of Doubt

Today I thought I missed you

I nearly called your name

The memories practically crossed my mind

I slightly felt the pain

I glanced up at your picture

I've been wanting to replace

I looked into the mirror and I thought I saw your face

I wonder why I do this

It's bordering on insane

And I'm as good as crazy cause I know I am to blame

I was about to call you

Pretty near took up the phone

Was on the brink of breaking down

Could barely take no more

I wrote myself a letter

At least I almost did

More or less to remind myself 
of what brought me to this

I must maintain composure, retain my sanity

But every time I think of you

I break essentially

I told you that it's over

That I don't want you no more

But I'm just shy of admitting

It probably was my fault

I know it was suspicion

I really had no proof

But I was relatively sure

That what I had heard was true

I'm sorry that I doubt you

I must apologize

I know id hurt you once before

And you never got over those lies

Forgive me dear I'm sorry

For all the pain I've caused

If only I had trusted you I never would have lost

Written by Carmen Bailey

Justice

Another innocent life gone

For loved ones its way too soon,

A victim, victimized

That just-is the sad truth

Justice we ask

When will it come?

Witnesses conveniently blinded, deaf, dumb.

Their dignity bartered for the rich man's crumb,

While a lung ceases to breathe,

A heart refuses to beat

Because a mortal decided to play God

And deprive a family of the hope they had

Justice you say
Where is it served?
Who's licensed to buy?
Who's permitted to trade?
And what of the person
Who cannot afford
What are his options
Who will take his word
What do you say to the mothers who cry
Because memories of their children is of justice denied

Justice you say,

Are we expecting too much

Is it a facade or is it just-us!

Written by Carmen Bailey

In Memory of Khajeel Mais

I Guess I am to Blame

Rape….The Excuses

You apologize that you had too much to drink 

I guess you didn’t know that it would impair your ability to feel, to think....

But what's there to think about anyway

You responded to a natural feeling so, I guess it was ok

Whose fault is it that you have this urge

That only a suppressed and broken woman can purge

What gave me the right to wear my dress above my knees

How dare me!

What was I doing out so late at night

And why did I resist, why did I try to fight!

If I didn't say “no” does that mean I said "yes"? 

Well....I guess!

So now it's over what's the big deal

A few little bruises won't take forever to heal

Why the fuss, I'm no less of a girl

It's not like it’s the end of the world

Of all the women with whom you could be

I guess I should be happy that you chose me

 Those are the excuses, now here is the Reality

It’s never over, those bruises are real

And for the rest of my life they may never heal

They burn deeper than anyone can see

And no one experiences the pain but me

No means NO! and so does everything that’s not “yes”

This battered and broken woman you create

May never find courage for another date

You are right, I have lost nothing

Except my future, my feelings, my dreams...

And your failure to control your urge

Has caused another human being to merge

Into a forever, void of feeling

A future which may never bring healing

Which for the rest of my life I may never see

I will spend forever asking….Why me?

Written by Carmen Bailey

Let's be Friends

My darling life was wonderful, the awesome times we shared

You helped me grow, I watched you flow, those were my greatest years

It’s true you don’t know what you have till it’s not yours again

I know I hurt you once too much but please, let’s just be friends?

Life wasn’t always sunshine Love, we shared both joys and tears

The countless times you took me back I know you really cared

Regret the fights we had but loved the making up again

I really miss the times we shared so cant we just be friends?

Oh yes we had the perfect love the kind most just imagine

The kind you never want to lose, the closest thing to heaven

But silly me I had to go and mess things up again

I know we can’t be lovers but, at least we can be friends.

This doesn’t have to be goodbye, don’t have to be the end

Forgive me darling one last time and please, let’s just be friends?.

Written by Carmen Bailey

This poem is a Prelude to "All or Nothing"

Hypocrite 

You covet your neighbor, you lie and you curse

You judge him before you discover his worth

You fight and demolish the things others earn

And then, you go to church! 

You act as if you have devout beliefs

You don't even practice the things that you preach 

With log in your eyes, you see everyone’s beam

But then, you go to church!

Like Cain hated Abel your brother you abhor

You plastered the bloodstain on Joseph's new robe 

But then you behave like you're holier than thou

Oh yes, you go to church!

With your lips you claim to honor the lord

But your heart is filthy; your tongue is a sword

You bow before idols, you lust and you hoard

But yes, you go to church!

Reciting the Bible Genesis to the end.

Perform all your deeds to be counted by men

Always so quick to expose others' sins

Because you go to church!

You ignore God’s commandments and cause others pain

Like Achan you’re guarding your dishonest gain

It’s your wish to be called Rabbi by men

Oh well, you go to church!

Woe unto your kind Pharisees and Scribes

In whited sepulchers some corpses you hide

For pretence you make sure your prayers are long

And then, you go to church!

The crowd never misses your offering and tithes

You’re Judas! betrayer of innocent lives

Your value equates to thirty silver coins

But well, you go to church!

Written by Carmen Bailey

Don’t Make My Baby Cry

She means everything to me, this pretty woman by your side,

Cause not so long ago she became my joy and pride,

I remember her first step, her first word, her first smile,

Just promise me this one thing; you won’t make my baby cry!

I wish I could protect her from the crazy world out there,

But I knew it wouldn’t help if I would always wipe her tears,

So I gave her all my blessings and I set her on her path,

So promise me this one thing you won’t break my baby’s heart!

I know the road she’s traveling, been down that road before,

The lord knows how much she can take, don’t give my baby more!

I know how best to love her, no one can question that,

So if you can’t be kind to her just give my baby back!

Well there is no denying, I know you love her too,

If you give her your honesty she’ll give it back to you,

Her little heart is fragile; don’t break it with a lie!

And so I ask you once again don’t make my baby cry!


Written by Carmen Bailey

"To the man who will marry my daughter"

Gone But Not Forgotten

I don't even remember the time we met, you and me

But it's somewhere around the time I entered puberty

You caused me much discomfort when you first came

That I often prayed you would not remain 

But you grew on me....literally!

We became best friends, me and you

There's nowhere I would go if you weren't going too

You helped me fit in where I'd otherwise not be accepted

And because of you all the guys I attracted......lustfully!

When I started my family you were my pride

You nurtured my children, and you would provide

You made me into the woman I was to become

The only friend I would trust with my man.....intimately!

Then today it all came to an end

No more will I be able to hold you again

This day I will remember until death

Cause life won't allow me to forget

Today I lost my best friend.....Tragically!

And now I am scarred, scarred for life 

I'm missing the very thing that made me a mother and a wife

Now, with every downward glance I see

An empty place next to my heart

                                   Where you used to be..... 

Written by Carmen Bailey "This poem was written in honor or all Breast Cancer Victims &Survivors and in  recognition of Breast Cancer Awareness Month, October, 2016"

All or Nothing

The meetings, the dates, the promise of faith

The feeling of belonging

The parties, the walks, picnics in the parks

Serenity and frolic

The people we met, hopes of no regret…Oh, this can’t be the end

Our promise was “forever” but…. no, we can't be friends

The dance, the wine, your lips next to mine

The summer days we courted

The laughs, the cries, hellos and goodbyes

The kisses when we parted

The visits, the calls, the rises, the falls

The getting up again

These things I never will forget but,…. No, we can't be friends 

So go your way and live your life

Forget we ever started

Forget the love we shared

Forget the reason why we parted

I gave my all to you but now I have to start again

I will forgive to set ME free but……

Hell no! We can't be friends!

Written by Carmen Bailey

True Lies- My Postmortem

Lights...Camera....Action!

Twenty Two long years of giving my all

Of always being there, you didn't even have to call

Did I not see the signs?....what signs?

I promised to obey till the end of time

To love, cherish and honor too

Isn't that what a good wife is supposed to do?

It never mattered to you how I feel

You made sure there was enough truths to make the lies seem real

Like the actor you are, you played your role well

and like a puzzle every last piece fell

……..into place

Now day after day I ask myself why?

A question to which I've found no reply

A wasted life, fake paradise

You celebrated victory while I played for pride

Now bury I must because that life has died.

So there I was feeling lost and used

When were you planning to end the cycle of abuse?

To break me you tried, you did your best

But this heart of mine will not be put to rest

I have mourned but that too must end

The crying is over, I'm happy again!

Written by Carmen Bailey

My Last Cry

Tonight again I cry

But I take comfort in the reality that this is my last cry

Finally, I’m letting go!

To end these sleepless nights and asking God, why?

And so I smile through the tears as I envision tomorrow,

Without you

It’s been a long time coming and the signs were clear, but i was just too blind to see

Because you were so wrapped up in your own selfish desires

And I was busy trying to make it work, for the sake of everyone but me

So I continued to hold on, though love had lost its fire

But now it’s over

And those once beautiful memories have become nothing but a scar

On the walls of my mind

A symbol of a past I never had, an experience that never was

For I remember only the good times

And I smile...

A smile to mask the pain

The sunshine after the rain

As I look ahead and I cry

One last time

Written by Carmen Bailey

To my Sister...Life goes on!